At War Within Myself

To the core, I did not love myself. I was at war within myself. The battle played out in polarizing ways outside of myself. In going through many of the things in childhood and not knowing how to deal; I experienced self-hatred, depression, anxiety, low self-worth, weight gain/loss, difficulty in all relationships including with myself. I struggled to say no and always set out to people please, I had a very hard time speaking up for myself, and I truly lacked self-identity. I would play scenarios in my head on repeat. Always second guess how I showed up, what I said and did, what I should’ve said and done, worried about what they thought of me, wondered if they didn’t like me, took everything personally. After a “break-up”, I would be so depressed and stay in bed for days only doing what I had to do. I would continually give my heart to men who could not commit and didn’t know what they wanted, but I kept on trying to win them over to be “the one” who made them want to. And, found myself in the most emotionally and mentally abusive relationship.

Not only would I seek outside approval from the world, I would also freak out about things that really should not have been a big deal. I had to control every aspect, even other people and reacted negatively when it did not go as I wanted. I did not know how to process or deal with my emotions. I would snap at loved ones. I was stressed to the max all of the time, but was unable to ask for help because I was highly independent. I could not go with the flow. I held expectations for everyone and when they didn’t meet them, I would get upset and allow it to consume me. I would push people away. I would judge others on their looks or how they acted because I was so insecure with myself. I would judge those who had more because I felt I didn’t deserve it.

It took me well into my adulthood to realize I was not living in alignment with what my soul wanted and desired. I had to learn these lessons over and over again until I decided to listen to my core self and began to choose differently. I look forward to sharing more with you in my next blog - Finding the Love Within. I invite you to join me!